So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Randomize
