I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
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