so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Randomize
