my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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