Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
