On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
you will always have a special place in my vag
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
