Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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