I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
