seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize