I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
