yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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