I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
