mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
