I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
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