i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
