This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
