Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
