My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
