Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
