I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Randomize
