oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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