dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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