u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
