peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Randomize
