Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
