she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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