I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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