Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Randomize
