Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Randomize
