So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
