ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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