I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
