Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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