I accidentally burped into my bong.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
