my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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