I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
