why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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