I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize