the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
