i permit you to call me
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
