I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
The best revenge is premature balding
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
