Pregnant stripper...not hot.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
