Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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