people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
