if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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