We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
