he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
