dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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