I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
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