I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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