I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
we're chasing vodka with high fives
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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