fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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