I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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