I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Did you just see the Batmobile???
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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