apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
