I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
