I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Randomize
