woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I just want to make out with him forever
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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