dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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