Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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