you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I touched a dick in church today
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
