She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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