Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
