Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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