I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
