Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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