I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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