her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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